I had the privilege of speaking to the Waukesha County Chamber Women’s Professional Development Network last month. My topic, “Women Bullying Women” created quite a stir.

My own ire on the subject was raised by a New York Times article last May that described a formal questionnaire designed by professors of two prominent universities that asked women to keep track of how many times in a six month period they were bullied by other women. How ridiculous, I thought. Why focus women’s attention on the slights they perceive from co-workers and draw it away from learning about the business? No wonder women have trouble being taken seriously.

My irritation prompted me to learn more. I read several books on bullying, talked with a wide range of women in business and nonprofit organizations, and contacted the Institute on Workplace Bullying. The fact that such an organization exists at all is sad.

I learned that bullying behavior often starts among girls in grade school (moms, pay attention). It is frequently silent in its execution and it can scar women for years. It continues at work where women with poor self-confidence use the tools of silent aggression—rumors, social exclusion, “the silent treatment” and seemingly innocent personal criticism—to bully colleagues. The research gave me an appreciation for the subtlety of this behavior, and its pervasiveness.

Insecurity and poor self-esteem are the leading causes of bullying, though no bully would ever admit to this. Competition—for high-visibility projects, attention from powerful leaders and a chance to look smart in front of peers—is another primary trigger for bullies.

What should you do if you experience this silent aggression, hostile rumors or cliques of women who seek to discredit and isolate you at work?

Recognize it for what it is and choose not participate. Do not give your time or attention to behavior that distracts you from doing exceptional work. Yes, doing exceptional work can make you a target, especially if you happen to work with insecure people.

But recognize that this bad behavior is not about you. It is about them. When bullies cannot light you up in indignation or get you to protect yourself, they move on to another target. Dismissing their nonsense is the right thing to do. And it is a most difficult thing to do.

Most women who bully are accomplished at the practice! They know how to zing others in little ways that seem innocent on the surface, but cut in destructive ways. For example, a simple comment, “Nice shoes,” issued with a smirk or raised eyebrow will cause the recipient to wonder if she looks like a dork. I know I’ve experienced this very thing!

It is difficult to feel strong and self-assured walking into an important meeting if you’re feeling bad about your shoes, hair or handbag. It takes great self-control—and practice—to put this nagging little thought out of your mind and choose to focus on the content of the meeting instead.

When you can do this successfully and consistently, you will frustrate the bully. She may escalate her attacks in the short run to see if she can take you down another way. Remember, she is skilled. Keep going about your business and, in time, she will find an easier target.

You can also help yourself by observing the bully in action with others. You will see quickly that the bully’s bad behavior is in fact all about her, not you.

Ultimately, your best strategy is to promise yourself each day to be the most accomplished and gracious woman you know how to be; a woman of true substance. Then do everything in your power to keep your promise to yourself.

You’ll have days when the bully gets the better of you. None of us is a constant paragon of virtue. Forgive yourself and move on.

Here is an important truth: You cannot change a bully’s behavior, but you can change your responses to it. Focus your energy and attention on making yourself better and stronger each day. You’ll build pride in yourself and the bad girls will find someone else to pick on.

Suggested Reading:

• Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

• Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and The New Realities of Girl World by Rosalind Wiseman

• The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso

• How to Grow a Backbone: 10 Strategies for Gaining Power

and Influence at Work by Susan Marshall

Susan Marshall is an author and speaker whose book, How to Grow a Backbone: 10 Strategies for Gaining Power and Influence at Work, has been translated into multiple languages and is especially popular in Asia. Her work is dedicated to building strong leaders who create successful organizations, transform school systems, and develop leaders at all levels. You can reach her at 262-567-5983 or execadvise@mac.com.