In the New Year, let’s all have a new attitude – a cool new way of talking about women. Let’s make it just like the way we talk about men, all the time and always have. I’m not being CRANKY. I’m not being SHRILL. Let’s just all do this. For fun! Here are some ideas to get us started:

1. Never do anything to damage a woman’s ego! You know how fragile it is!

2. Oh, you can’t expect us to remember birthdays or anniversaries … it’s just not a woman’s way. When we say, “You really don’t have to get us anything,” gosh, we don’t mean that! It’s just our way of being adorable. You’re really supposed to intuit what we want and know the right sizes and colors.

3. We’re all just little girls who never really grew up! Treat us that way, puhleese? Little girls don’t pick up their socks!

4. Don’t try to get between us and our special TV! And do bring us some white wine and spinach puffs while we’re watching ‘Oprah!’ Okay?

5. Did you really expect us to call you back because we said we would? And you’re mad about it? Really?

6. Did you really expect us to do what we said we’d do TODAY? And you’re mad about it? Gosh. Really? Unbelievable.

7. I have a fever 100.5! That’s one hundred and one half degrees! It says it right here! I need two full days’ sleep … and then a week of rehab …

8. We told you that it was our book club outing! It’s been planned for months! I don’t know what to tell your mother. It’s YOUR mother.

9. I can’t pick up the kids. I have a full day of stuff planned. Well, I have to drop my suit off at the cleaners.

10. Those are all details! We’re not good with details! It’s all too much to take in!

11. Let me get back to you on that …

12. We ARE just resting our eyes. And come on, don’t be crude: We would know if we snored.

13. You don’t think ‘X-Men: Wolverine’ is romantic? Well, what’s romantic then?

14. Thaw it first?

15. You don’t recognize a Bugatti Veyron 16.4? Why?

17. You had all your hair buzzed off? And you’re mad that we didn’t notice? What about that rust spot under the wheel well on the right hand side of the pickup truck? Did you notice that? That’s how it starts. You know? That’s a pattern.

18. They only have vegetarian? How am I going to go four days without meat?

19. Please stop being so touchy! Okay, okay, I’ll come downstairs for Christmas morning!

20. Tell us where the coffee is. Tell us if you have any coffee. Tell us where the butter is. Tell us where the refrigerator is.

21. Just because it’s dangling out of my nose doesn’t mean I know what it is. Can you look at it?

22. Okay. You wanted to talk. What do you want me to say? And will we be done by the time ‘Dancing With the Stars’ is on?

And to all a GOOD YEAR (tire).